


Things we can't say (yet)

by TangentQueenOfDragons



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley has anxiety and he needs a hug, M/M, i'm sad and i'm taking you all down with me, in this house we love and support these disasters, no really Crowley needs a hug man, this turned out angstier than I meant it to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 13:18:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19426768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TangentQueenOfDragons/pseuds/TangentQueenOfDragons
Summary: They had another arrangement, one they had never discussed. It went without saying, and they both knew it.The arrangement was this: I love you. You love me back. We can never speak of it.





	Things we can't say (yet)

**Author's Note:**

> This started off with the notion of 'they both knew how they felt but never said anything' and became 'what if it's Crowley who's the anxious apprehensive one' and then that quickly devolved into Angst. I am angst Midas

They had another arrangement, one they had never discussed. It went without saying, and they both knew it.

  


The arrangement was this: I love you. You love me back. We can never speak of it.

  


Because really they were pushing their luck as it was, being friends and helping each other out. All it would take would be either side actually paying attention, and they would be caught, and they would be _screwed_. 

  


A demon and an angel. I could never work. Acknowledging it would only make it hurt more.

  


And so they didn’t

  


But then the notpocalypse (or armagedn’t, as Crowley had decided to call it) came and went. They had fooled Heaven and Hell. They were on their own side.

  


But old habits die hard.

  


Days passed, then a week, then two and then it had been over a month since armagedn’t. And neither of them had brought up that thing they hadn’t been able to acknowledge for so long.

  


Well Aziraphale had had enough of it.

  


He’d had enough of fear and shame tainting something so beautiful, enough of burying his feelings so deep down that even in the face of the world almost ending, he hadn’t been able to say it. Angels were supposed to be beings of love, and he was sick of letting others make that love feel dirty.

  


One month and nine days after the world didn’t end, Aziraphale put his glass of wine down on the coffee table and told Crowley, “I think we should talk.”

  


“Uh-oh,” Crowley said with a grin, “Am I in trouble?”

  


“I’m being serious Crowley, we should talk.”

  
  


“About what?”

  


“About the thing we don’t talk about.”

  


The grin fell from Crowley’s face, and his hand tightened around his wine glass.

  


“What do you mean?”

  


“You know perfectly well what I mean.” Aziraphale said with exasperation.

  


Crowley had taken his glasses off several hours ago, feeling at ease between the angel and the bookshop and the bottles of vintage they were sharing. Now he felt the sharp anxiety of being suddenly exposed. His free hand found the sunglasses on the arm of the sofa, and he gripped them tightly.

  


Aziraphale put his hand over Crowley’s. "Don’t”. Please don’t do that,” he said gently.

  


Too much. The angel’s hand on his was _too much_. He stood, letting the glass fall, dark red wine seeping into the sofa, but he held fast to his glasses.

  


“Crowley…”

  
  


“No!” He said, a little too forcefully. “No. We don’t talk about it. We never have. Why would we start now?”

  


“Because things are different now. I’m done with pretending that I don’t l-”

  


“ _Don’t_. Don’t say it.”

  
  


He was shaking now, a small tremble starting in his hands and moving through his whole body. _Too much, too much_.

  


“Why not?” Aziraphale said, so softly Crowley barely heard him. There was hurt in his eyes. Crowley turned away. He couldn’t bear to look.

  


“Because…”

  


_Because it’s been so long I don’t even know how to say it anymore. Because what if it isn’t different at all, really. Because what if saying it somehow ruins everything we have_

  


_Because I’m scared._

  


The fear must have read on his face, because Azirphale sighed and stood, taking a careful step towards him and putting a gentle hand on the demon’s arm. Crowley didn’t look at him.

  


“It’s okay. I understand.” Aziraphle told him.

  


“It’s not because I don’t…” Crowley began.

  


“I know.” Aziraphale smiled. “I’m going too fast for you.”

  


That made Crowley smile at last.

  


“Ironic, eh?” he said. Aziraphale laughed softly.“

  


"It’s okay,” he said again.

  


"I was... I felt ready then. I..."

  
  


"You're not right now. That's _okay_." Aziraphale brought his hand up to Crowley's cheek. "I'm sorry for springing it on you."

  
  


Crowley let out a short breath, leaning into the touch. Aziraphale wasn’t angry or upset with him. He understood. Of course he did.

  


"I want to… I mean… I do, I just…”

“Need more time?”

  
  


“Yeah.”

  


“Take all the time you need.” Aziraphale sat back down on the sofa, and after a few seconds hesitation Crowley sat beside him and leaned his head on the angel’s shoulder. He felt Aziraphale’s arm come up around him and hold him closer.

  
  


He was sick of being scared, hated how scared he felt even now, just at the prospect of admitting to a feeling he always knew he had. The feeling itself, he didn't regret, never, never could. But...

  


He felt a little angry with himself.

  


No. Thousands of years worth of fear wasn’t going to evaporate in an instant. He hadn't held it against Aziraphale back in 1967, when it was the angel who hadn't been ready.

  


He tried not to hold it against himself.

  
  


He needed a little time. And then, Crowley swore to himself he would make up for every wasted second.

**Author's Note:**

> My life has been hijacked by good omens and I can't escape.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments would be very much appreciated!


End file.
